Earlier today, after extensive security screening, I got a chance to catch up with CPW’s reigning President. the esteemed Gary Cronin. When I was finally waved through to the presidential throne room (lined with ipads from floor to ceiling), he dismissed the scantily-clad “presidential aide” with a quick slap to the hindquarters and granted me a few minutes for an interview. Here’s how it went.
Mr President, it’s been an amazing two years, how has it been for you?
Well Baron, first of all, thank you for granting me the chance to speak to the electorate. As we all know, I would not be running for my third term in a row without the support I’ve received, so please do pass on my appreciation and gratitude. The last 2 years have been the finest I can remember while in Santry; there was some apprehension when I left the Supply hub this time last year, that I would simply fade into the background of the minds of the people. Thankfully this has not been the case, and I have been able to continue to support as best I can….. and hopefully can continue to do so.
Many have described your reign as “the golden age of Santry”, how have you made this real?
I’m not sure if I would necessarily say “golden age”, but I would like to believe that being the “Support Centre Hero” has made life a little easier for the people who put me there. I have been able to use the position to alleviate problems on a store level….. but there is still a lot that needs to be done; for instance, the now infamous “Phone Number Locked” issue will be high on the priority list, should I see another term.
Regarding last year’s assassination attempt, have you heard the rumours that one of your rivals was involved?
Well Baron, there have been a few attempts to de-throne me since I was elected, with rumours circulating around one rival in particular who I cannot name for legal reasons. However, what I say to those who would take my mantle is this. I am still here, and I will not be going away quietly.
Who do you see as your main contenders for the throne this year?
This year is the closest election I can remember during my tenure in Santry; there are several candidates who are in the running. As you know, I have been planning electoral strategies for a number of months. I had previous concerns about the return to power of one Richard S Browne. Now that he has left, it’s difficult to say who is my biggest threat. But I would like to wish all candidates a good campaign.
How do you see your third term playing out?
Well lets not get ahead of ourselves Baron. As I’ve said, there are a number of other candidates who would be willing to take up my mantle, should the people on the ground decide for change. I would hope that the belief in me is still there, and should I be re-elected, there are a number of key projects that I will be looking to deliver during my 3rd term. I can’t go into any details, but let just say….. some visible changes might be on the horizon.
Why do you think it is that the electorate keeps picking you, as opposed to annual losers like, say, Kevin “shenanigans” Murphy or Ross “hallorosspeekangggg” McEnerney?
I think it’s because of where I’ve been before. Let’s not forget that I have been in the position of every person in retail at one point or another, experience that I have used to help anyone overcome hurdles that they may encounter whilst on the battleground of the shop floor. Now, let me be clear here. That is not to say that the aforementioned rivals do not provide a level of support to the teams. I am simply saying that my history within CPW has always been the backbone of what I have achieved, and the expectations of retail, is the yardstick that I always measure myself against. I believe that it’s that rapport hat keeps me where I am, and also drives me to be better.
Any chance of a few iphones?
*Chuckle* Let’s see how the election goes and then we might talk.
Any truth to the rumours that several models were recent seen leaving the presidential office after hours, drinks, and with “most” of their clothing?
Rumours are a terrible thing Baron, unless they’re true. I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of 12 calendar models on the premises, nor have I any comment that several senior campaign officials were present at the time.
Let’s not beat around the bush here. The allegations of vote rigging have dogged you for years, and with a surprising 450% turnout in Limerick last year, how do you respond to the critics?
Statistics can be manipulated to illustrate anything Baron. There’s no doubt that the turnout in Limerick has been strong and predominately in my favour. However, I do believe that such allegations as this have been made as part of a smear campaign to turn loyal heads in another direction. But I know that voters are not so fickle as to be taken in by such rumours, and I hope that the people of Limerick, once again, prove to be a strong ally before the window closes on Wednesday.
It is also worth noting that my popularity has stayed steady across more than 1 constituency. If challengers wish to work through these “statistics” with me, they have my number. Name the time and place, bring the TV cameras, and I’ll show up.
The victory party this year – how will that look?
Again with the chickens Baron. Let’s see how the vote goes. But should I be returned for a 3rd term, well, let’s just say… it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Any last words for the electorate?
Ladies and Gentlemen. Over the past few weeks, you have been asked to take 30 seconds out of your time to vote for your Support Centre Hero. A momentous accolade to have within the hallowed walls of Santry.
This year, I bid to be returned for an 3rd term. Some people will say that change is needed. Others will use words such as “rigging” or “corruption” to try to turn you away from what has been achieved over the last 2 years of my reign. These are mistruths, designed to deflect and damage. It will not succeed, and by voting for me, you will show the naysayers that you will not be affected by this level of mindless propaganda
I am not one for playing games. What I offer you all, in return for a successful campaign this week, is this. Solidarity. Reliability. Presence. It is now to you to decide, if these 3 things, are the plinths upon which, a Support Centre Hero should be based.
I thank you for putting me where I am, and for the opportunity to make history with an unprecedented 3rd term. I would ask everyone to examine the past 12 months, and to take the time out of your incredibly busy schedules to have your say.
At this point, one of the presidential minders whispered in Gary’s ear that “the monkey had eaten too many peanuts” and I was whisked away.