Still everyone’s whore and nobody’s cheerleader.

A busy week, indeed. E3 showed us all just how much good PR matters to product launches. WWDC showed us that it’s ok to steal, as long as you’re really blatant and brash about it. And to a lesser extent, the beginning of the end of democracy in the EU, the fall of the bishops in Ireland, etc etc. But more importantly, ME! I’ve been off work this week and as you’d imagine have spent quite a bit of time lipping off about various gadgets that don’t exist in the irish market yet. Believe it or not, for the heinous crime of speaking as objectively as possible, I’ve been accused of being a secret online agent/employee of not one, not two, but THREE massive companies I don’t work for in the space of the last 24 hours. That’s right, apparently I now work for Apple, Sony AND MicroSoft. So, to clear the air and try to re-affirm my absolute adherence to independence, here’s the three things that fans of the named companies never like hearing but can’t deny. 

(THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED HEREIN ARE ENTIRELY MY OWN AND DO NOT REPRESENT ANYONE ELSE WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ASHTRAY RECORDS, KAVCORP LTD AND THE FUBANKA CONGLOMORATE)

1. APPLE HAVE NEVER INVENTED A DAMNED THING

Last week Apple announce a host of new features for existing products that – while a welcome improvement, and the biggest jump they’ve made in as long as i can remember – just about brings them up to scratch on functionality with their main competitor, Android. Apple fans would have you believe that the iPhone was the first smartphone, that iTunes was the first online music store, that the iPad was the first tablet, and that the iPod was the first MP3 player. All of that would make for a fantastic yarn if any of it had a modicum of fucking truth. Back in the murky, murky days of the 1990s when I and many friends of mine first starting paying attention to the century-closing changes that were evolving all around us, Apple was that company you went with if you wanted nothing to work. Their PCs didn’t work with games, their MP3 players didn’t work with any PC apart from their own (no, really), and windows was the be-all and end-all. Apple was pretty much circling the drain when the internet moved from the basement to the coffee shop. And somehow, in the space of a couple of very (very) quick decades, we’re now expected to believe that minimalist design and sticking your corporate fingers in your ears is  innovation? Eat a dick. Some of the products (laptops, tablets) are phenomenally ahead of their time. Some of them (standalone MP3 players, phones) are sadly not. Are Apple fans cultists? Sure, some of them. Is an al-apple ecosystem incredibly convenient? Yeah, actually, it is, as long as you never plan on leaving it. What was it apple invented? Rounded corners? Pinch to zoom? Yeah. Sure.

As I said earlier, iOS7 is a great move, but is there a single feature added that wasn’t already present in Android?

2. SONY’S PS4 IS THEIR LAST HOPE FOR SURVIVAL

It’s 2007. You’ve just managed to convince the world that they should pay you 650 euro for your console because the online play is free and you can play BluRay on it. Your mobile division is known for being a kind of “hipster nokia”, where everything works perfectly and nothing’s expensive. Your TVs and home hifis (for the under 25s that are reading, that’s “high fidelity”, something you apparently don’t care about anymore) are in every house. It looks like nothing can ever possibly go wrong again, right? I mean, we’re off to the sunset here people. Happy ever after, right? Then suddenly your phones stop selling, your globbl economy collapses, and to top it all off your console is hacked and people stop buying your overpriced hip hop albums because they can steal them! Imagine! Thankfully it can’t get any worse, at least until your users database gets hacked and you go through nerdy PR hell. But that’s all that goes wrong, right? Nothing else can POSSIBLY slow down Sony now, right? It’s not like a fucking earthquake could set off a nuclear disaster in your home country, sending everything you do and make spiralling down the glowing green toilet for a couple of years?

 

It’s time to tell it like it was. Sony were in the shit before E3 this week. And yes, they “listened to the fans” and “stayed on the side of the core gamer”, but in all honesty, what they REALLY did was heed the old adage that the second rat gets the cheese and stuck every magnificent Japanese appendage they could right in Microsoft’s proverbial schoolgirl. For the record, there were only two things I was hoping for from the PS4 announcement. Backwards compatibility (maybe? Somehow?) and continued free online multiplayer (dead in the water).

 

3. MICROSOFT WILL NEVER BE COOL

 

I have to hand it to MS, no company has ever managed to fall so far behind after being so far ahead of so few competitors. how could it be possible that the company that had ninety-fucking-eight percent saturation on the home computing market at the turn of the century could fall so far? How could they spend so long ignoring their fans and critics alike? how could any company allow an employee to say “if you don’t like always-on internet connections for single player, move to new york”? No tradeins? no game sharing? no interest AT ALL in ANY market outside the first world and many inside it? I’ve said it before around these parts, when MS get it right they get it REALLY right. A couple of years ago i got the boot in a little on Apple for making their desktop platform more like their mobile platform, instead of the other way around. MS didn’t make the same mistake. No, the windows mobile phones, tablets, and laptops all work off the full desktop version of windows , or at least that’s what they’ll tell you. In theory, this should be the end of all competition. You could get your MS phone, sync it with your work desktop for the boring nine to five stuff, and then watch your media on your W8 tab while you’re on your way home to play some xbox live. If any attempt was made to actually show people how well it all works then the apple people would collapse under their own lensless glasses and deep v-necks.  

 

BUT INSTEAD, they signed off on a massive, hugely-visible “fuck you we want more money” in the form of the new console, AKA the “Xboner”. 

 

 

 

So there you have it. Can we all stop wondering who I work for now?

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Still everyone’s whore and nobody’s cheerleader.

3 thoughts on “Still everyone’s whore and nobody’s cheerleader.

    1. fanboys that is. I’ve encountered the brand-blinded hordes a lot this week, and all are insistent on ignoring everything above despite immutability.

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