Just as Irish as you are Gerry, fuck you very much.

As any of you who know me or read these here textual brainfarts will know, I’m partial to a couple of things and proud. Numbers, for example. Numbers often give on a foundation from which to read a whole story on any number of topics. The engineers use them to design, the med-heads use them to inoculate, and the nerds use them to work out what the universe is made of. Great little yokes so they are. I’m also pretty transparently fond of the greasy pole. Before the inevitable homo gags start, I’m talking about politics. Imagine my glee, then, when I heard one of my favourite phrases earlier this week

“There’s been an opinion poll”.

http://www.thejournal.ie/new-poll-finds-gerry-adams-is-the-most-popular-leader-in-the-country-465596-May2012/

Have fun. Simply put, we all seem to be going batshit loopy-loo for Gerry Adams and the Sinn Fein “movement”. Knowing exactly who my opponents will be on this and – more importantly – what they’re going to say in response, I’ve decided to give some reasons that this is a fucking problem. Note that neither “because they’re murderous assholes” or “because everybody should like someone that I like” features.

1. HYPOCRISY

(sing it to the tune of “spongebob squarepants, won’t you?”)

WHOOOOOOOOOO

Wont stand in Westminster when elected MP

SINN FEIN THAT’S WHO

But still claim expenses on houses for free

SINN FEIN THAT’S WHO

Who don’t even think the Republic exists

SINN FEIN THAT’S WHO

But want to be top of political lists

SINN FEIN THAT’S WHO

Who decided the peace process was lots of fun

SINN FEIN THATS WHO

And put on their suits to go hand in their guns

SINN FEIN THATS WHO

Who shout out the loudest when something seems wrong

SINN FEIN THATS WHO

But ask them for answers and they’re not around long?

SINN FEIN THATS WHO

SINN FEIN THAT’S WHO SINN FEIN THAT’S WHO SINN FEIN THAT’S WHO

And so on. You get the idea. These creatures seem so likely to talk out both sides of their faces that they can probably whisper sweet “tiocfaidh ar oiche’s” sexily in their own ears.Anyone who paid attention during the recent Presidential election in Ireland will know that at no point did McG acknowledge the Republic of Ireland’s existence. “But Blumpkine” they’ll say, “he didn’t acknowledge gravity either, because he doesn’t need to! And Norris didn’t acknowledge the state? What you talking bout ,foo?”. Aha, but it’s more than that. Sinn Fein openly don’t acknowledge or recognise a 26-county state, while at the same time running for office here (at all levels). This is, to them, a British-imposed partitionist compromise. Didn’t stop them trying to take the fucking thing over though, does it? Or was it more than that? Tinfoil hats on people. Sinn Fein are extremely good at turning votes into seats, much more so in fact than – say – Labour, who tend to lose bravely anywhere there’s no decent broadband coverage. So why did Martin REALLY run? Well, it’s simple. By getting that much national exposure they were able to identify the constituencies that they’re not spending enough money in. It was one giant dip in the waters for the next election campaign. Mark my words, SF will sink money into anywhere McG did more strongly than expected at the polls last winter.  They are, to quote Warren Ellis (any excuse will do) the “bastards and spoilers on the horizon”.

And the expenses comment above? That’s right, SF claim expenses from their MP offices in Westminster, despite refusing to attend because of the oath to Queen Lizzy the Irrelevant, because Ireland unfree shall never blah, blah, yakkity shmack. That’s ok though, right? Shafting the Tans is what they’re all about, right?

Hmmmm……http://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/ojeykfeysnsn/ Wait a minute, those are IRISH taxpayers euro you’re stealing, Aongus! STOPPIT!

2. FAUX-NATIONALISM

Nothing stings more than watching them at the results of any election, waving the tricolour. Because it’s THEIR flag, you see. You wouldn’t understand. You don’t speak Irish? You didn’t shoot at English soldiers? You’re not from the north? You don’t want war with Britain until 32 = 32? You must not be Irish enough! We’re Irish enough! See our flag? It’s not yours. You fucking traitor.

Who in the name of god do these assholes think they are? If they decided to claim something lesser but still as intrinsically national as our nation’s flag – say, Guinness for example – there’d be uproar. And yet we let them wave the nation’s flag as THEIR totem? Nobody’s even going to point out the irony, given the intended message of the design and colouring? Nobody wants to muscle the fuck back in for purely political ends? It’s not often I praise their political instinct, but Fianna Fail calling themselves “The Republican Party” was one of the smartest things they’ve ever done (now if they’d just take my suggestion to march into the sea, we’d all be sorted). Here’s a thought. Why don’t ALL the other political fixers and hangers-on “in the room” on count night bring along THEIR nation’s flag too? Make the fools look like…well, fools actually.

3. RESPONSIBILITY-FREE PISSANTERY

Ever had a job which required

  • No selection process
  • No accountability
  • A constant demand for opinions presented as fact
  • No boss
  • 3 months off with pay a year
Anyone? No? You’ve just described the life of an opposition TD. It’s great, really. You get to shout “No!” at everything, because it’s the other team’s turn to do all the things and your job is to not let them. Hurrah! Lots of parties have been in opposition, in fact all Irish political parties have in the past 3 years (apart from the late Green Party). The difference with Sinn Fein is their complete inability to actually make any kind of suggestion for any solutions to any of Ireland’s problems in any way shape or form. 
Where do Sinn Fein stand on the treaty? NO!
And the bailout? NO!
And the IMF? NO!
And the water tax? NO!
And higher taxes? NO!
And cutbacks in spending? NO!
Just for a moment, lets ignore how much they’re starting to sound like Ian Paisley, and ask yourself the following question. Better yet, ask a Sinn Fein TD. I guarantee there is no answer that doesn’t begin with “Well I’ll tell you what won’t help” or “End bailouts to bankers” or “This treaty is just scaremongering”. Here’s the question. Ready? Ok. Here goes, Gerry.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU ACTUALLY SUGGEST WE DO TO FIX THE COUNTRY?
Wait, what? There IS an answer? Ok, let’s have it then
SINN FEIN IS DEDICATED TO A SOCIALIST 32 COUNTY REPUBLIC, WHICH PAYS HIGH MINIMUM WAGE, HAS NO TAX, AND IN WHICH HOSPITALS AND SCHOOLS ARE BUILT OUT OF THE DREAMS AND WISHES OF YOUNG MEN FROM FREE DERRY. WE DONT NEED TO BAIL THE BANKS OUT, AS THEY HAVE NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER AND TAX COLLECTION / WAGE PAYOUT CAN BE HANDLED USING OUR NEW SYSTEM CALLED “GERRY POINTS”. WE DONT NEED EUROPE, EUROPE NEEDS US. JUST KEEP VOTING FOR US AND SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS, AND IF YOU DON’T, YOU’RE A LOYALIST CUNT WHO DOESN’T EVEN READ AN PHOBLACHT.
No, of course they wouldn’t say that. That would be the unthinkable – an Irish politician telling the truth. No, instead they’re going to fool the nation into thinking they have any of the credentials, plan, or vision to fix the worst shit we’ve found ourselves in since the famine by just shouting “no” to everything everyone else says.
Emperor Kenny may have no clothes on, but armchair rhetoric doesn’t pay the bills either – Versace or no Versace.
Try to remember all this when the guys in charge are taxing the fuck out of you. Try to remember it when Kenny makes himself look like a prick (AKA every time he’s near a microphone). I know we don’t like him. I know we don’t like this mess we’re in. I know it would be great to have someone different in charge. Most of all, try to remember it when you’re next asked to pick a representative – local or national. The guys you want doing THAT job? Not this kind of prick.
These are the kind of people that tend to get into power and then stick around for a long, long time. The types that tell you what you want to hear, even if it barely goes within an asses roar of the truth. The types that don’t answer straight questions. The types that don’t think your country exists. Tiocfadh ar la?  No, only if we fucking let it.
Just as Irish as you are Gerry, fuck you very much.

One thought on “Just as Irish as you are Gerry, fuck you very much.

  1. Keith says:

    More of a rant than anything. And lots of stuff that didn’t make sense.

    eg. socialist.. republic and tax free? That would be a libertarian republic

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