Move over L. Ron Hubbard

Prompted in part by an abundance of spare time, combined with the comfy nature of the multi-layered robes I’m wearing (fastened with an ever so fetching extension cord), the yearning for a Grand Satire Project has once again entered the noggin. Previous half-baked ideas have amounted to nothing, partly because I’m a lazy git and partly because logistics proved daunting. Mostly the former, though. So the problem’s simple, devise a way to get a giggle out of the world while maintaining the following

  • Feasibility
  • Humour
  • Low effort
Not as easy as it sounds, believe me. Being particularly hungover and lacking inspiration, I looked to those that had gone before, and realised that the single most ridiculous concept that still plagues us all is organised religion. As such, I am starting my own, which I invite you all to join (budgeted registration before 1st March). I will hereby be known only as Sexpope Kav I, and the following framework will apply
  1. Money goes to me
  2. Enlightenment goes to you
Pyramid scheme? Scam? SURE! WHY NOT? Still, I pledge to you NOT to do the following things
  • Genocide
  • Child Abuse
  • Sexism
  • Colonisation
  • Fascism
  • Atavistic territorial disputes over sand
  • Threaten hell
So let’s talk PRICING!
FOR ONE EURO PER MONTH
You will be considered a member of the church, and will receive our monthly newsletter. It’s chock-full of advice you didn’t ask for and things you don’t believe in – YET!
FOR FIVE EURO PER MONTH
You have attained the rank of Priest! Congratulations! You can perform marriages (between any two objects, regardless of gender or species), you can Kavinate people (a ritual involving a bucket of water over the head of someone that wants to leave their current creed), and most importantly of all you too can add your own bizarre thoughts to the newsletter! Just a fiver a month! WOW!
FOR TWENTY EURO PER MONTH
You are now a Cardinal! Super fun top times! You can ordain priests and are part of the group that elects a new Sexpope in the unlikely event of my death. Also, I will make you a totally banging hat after 3 payments have been received. You’re right where the action is now, good friend and buddy! You’re a Cardinal! Twenty a month? That’s not even 3 pints and a box of fags any more! SUPER TOP HAPPY THING!
*****BONUS FEBRUARY PROMOTIONAL PRICING*****
For all my Facebook friends, the Church of Veritas Rabidum will promote YOU to the rank of Priest for a mere 2 euro donation to my paypal account! You’re really winning at life now guys! Even the girls can be priests!
As the Church grows in number, my teachings and wisdom will be distributed here. Remember – eternal happiness is cheaper than booze, and we can make up WHATEVER WE WANT HERE PEOPLE!!!!
Sexpope Kav I
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Move over L. Ron Hubbard

One thought on “Move over L. Ron Hubbard

  1. […] cheeseburgers are the most consistently disappointing food in the world, or that I’m starting my own religion, I’m more or less free to do so. Similarly, if TV3 really want to bang on about all the crime […]

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