2011, we hardly blew ye.

After the insanely busy 12 months of social, political, economic and technological (no, really) upheaval in most of our living memories, a review of the year was unavoidable. I know, I know, it’s been crazy. Irish elections, international economic collapse, dictators dropping like cans at a 17 year old’s free gaff. Did i mention Bin Laden is dead? Or that you can’t travel from West Africa to India and set foot in a country with a stable, ethical government? That nobody knew what a “+1” button was 12 months ago? That there are more protests against everything and nothing on in the western world than you can shake a stick saying “what the fuck do you people think you’re occupying?” at? Yes, a busy year for all involved.

Sadly, however, I’ve not been part of much of it. I’ve mostly been sitting here, playing Skyrim and trolling Facebook. Seeing as I’m nowhere near ready to review Fallout : Horsies and Magic yet, here’s my rundown of the absolute WORST types of Facebook update i’ve seen in the past twelve months.

DISCLAIMER : I am in no way guilty of ever posting any update anything like any of the below listed. Much. 

 

8. Checking In

“on holiday while you’re all at work, hahahaha” – Michelle Von Dinkerbelt is at a Sudanese refugee camp with 15,000 other friends

 

Really? That’s where you are? Oh thank god, I was getting worried. Shouldn’t there be a default daily check-in, occurring automatically, saying “on the jacks in front of a laptop”? Good idea? Checking in at the great wall of China, Times Square, the ISS. Bad idea? Checking in at Supermacs, bed or half-way up the N7. And foursquare? Here’s a tip : if you want to be mayor of something, try talking to people and shaking hands instead of spending social outings face down in a smartphone hitting refresh.

 

 

7. Reddit / Sickipedia regurgitation

That funny one-liner? It came from sickipedia. You know who you are, sitting there sifting other websites, seeing something ha-LA-rious, and posting it to Facebook so that when your mates see it for the first time, it has your mug and moniker attached. Well done. Reddit, too, for all those meme-shots, shocking statistics etc. In fact, I’ve worked out who else among my friends frequently uses reddit just from what they post on Facebook. Yes, I do this a lot. Doesn’t make it ok. Come up with an original idea or comment, otherwise you’re merely stealing content (which by the way, is a horrendous breach of reddiquette. But if it’s next door’s garden it’s ok, right?). Know what i’ve never seen anyone update their status with? “Hey everyone, check out these awesome sites” with links to either reddit or sickipedia. Because then, and god forbid, the jig would be up and it would turn out that the guy you vaguely remember from 3rd year that you haven’t spoken to since Clinton was in the white house ISNT actually the greatest comic mind since Swift.

 

 

6. Being the bigger person

Tell me if any of this sounds familiar:

  • “You know who you are and what you did”
  • “I’m just going to rise above all of this”
  • “Never gonna let you get me down”
  • “Fuck yourself you syphilitic, horse-throating snatch-guzzler”
On their own, completely harmless phrases that would fit fantastically well at the end of an argument. But wait? What do you NOT see in the above phrase? That’s right, it’s the name of the horrible person it’s directed at. Why? Because the people that post these seem to want to curry favour with their peers without actually naming their target. “But Blumpkine, why wouldn’t they explain who they’re bitching at?” I hear you asking. Because – and pay close attention here folks – ALL THEY WANT IS FOR THE FIRST COMMENT TO ASK WHO THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT OR WHAT’S WRONG. And of course the second comment is almost always “i don’t want to talk about it”. REALLY? So why bother posting in the first place? I’m all for picking pointless fights on the internet but do the decent thing and post it on their wall, that way both sets of friends can sit back with the popcorn.

 

5. Football / X Factor / Politics

  • OMG HOW HAS MICHELLE NOT GOT THROUGH?
  • Tagliatelle you legend! Get in there!
  • COME ON YOU MAUVE AND TURQUOISES
  • Stephane looks like she’s just sharted on stage
  • REF? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU REF?
  • Oh, yeah, crying mid-song? Just a ploy for sympathy
  • Four nil, I’ve never seen Bendersfield Town play this badly
Here’s the thing about Saturday afternoon. Football’s already on the TV. If I wanted a blow-by-blow, I’d probably turn on the tv. Or the radio. Or stick on one of those streamy thingummies if I only had a laptop in front of me. Or hey, here’s an idea, go and watch it in the pub with my mates. Better still, get on a fucking plane and go to the UK to cheer on your team. I don’t need a microblog of what is already the most heavily media-covered weekly event, 10 months of the year.
As for you X-factor people, the only thing that more people fanatically don’t give a flying fuck about than football is watching a documentary entitled “the making of cynical corporate music”. A long time ago, being seen as manufactured was a death sentence for credibility. Now people that (bafflingly) care about the charts and like actual music have to organise online campaigns to keep Cowell’s latest batch of flunkies OFF the Crimbo No. 1 spot. Incidentally, “Make the sound of my dog farting number 1! We don’t need no X-Factor fakes!” very nearly made this list.
Election? What election? I do not recall any election.
It’s simple. Everyone’s watching so nobody needs to be typing. Want to share the experience? WATCH THE FUCKING THING TOGETHER.

 

4. Event requests

Not a status update, but nonetheless. Event requests. Sweet Jesus, so many event requests. So overdone and outplayed that they don’t even show on notification bar anymore. Why? Because every pub, every band, every sports team, AND every individual person can gang-spam you into telling you it’s their birthday. Here’s a thought, if you want me to call over to your house for a drink or meet you somewhere to do something, send me a text message. If you have my number, then I might bother. If you don’t, post on my fucking wall. Don’t think that I’m going to sift through buckets and buckets of what is a step above porn spam to find out which of the 3 or 4 pubs I’ve ever seen you in you’ll be in on Saturday night. Oh, and happy birthday.

 

3. Hangovers

OMG I’m never doing that again. Can someone please bring me a bacon sandwich? Getting up today was NOT easy lolomfgwtf. If all that’s going on is that – like most of my friends list – you’re aged 18 – 40 , it’s Sunday and you were out last night, and you no longer have the alcohol recovery time of a 15 year old with a naggin of smirnoff, fine. But once – just once – look around and see if possibly (POSSIBLY) everyone else is saying the same thing. Whining about your hangover on a Sunday morning is about as useful as posting the time and date as your status once a week. Yes, we were all drinking last night and yes, it was probably too much. Know what’ll help? Get off the internet, go for a run, eat something with vitamins in it, drink some fruit juice, or if none of that works just grab a bottle and go again. The absolute best way to make 90% of hangovers worse is to pay attention to them. The best way to make my hangover worse? Draw attention to YOUR hangover online.

 

2. “Please Like and Share”

“Hi everyone! Here’s my personal attempt at sending something viral! Just making it my status wasn’t really enough to draw your attention to it, so please like and/or share it so it goes to as many people as possible. I need to remind you do this, because the giant buttons beside it marked “like” and “share” don’t quite cut it as basic functions of this entire social network!Exclamation mark!”

Know what makes me press the “like” button? When I like something. I know YOU like it. You posted it. Whether I like it or not isn’t going to be swayed in the slightest by your reiteration of my clearly-marked options, as if I’ve just set foot off the DeLorean and onto the internet. I can almost – almost – forgive “please share”, as maybe bands or artists need attention to fill a gig or sell an album. That’s fine, that’s making a living. But “please like”? Is there someone keeping score on these that I haven’t been informed about? If that’s the case, what do I get to trade my InterWebPoints for at the end of the year? I’d like a pony.

1. Copypasta campaigns

“Please like this and share on your wall if you or anybody else you know has ever been affected in any way by anything that has ever happened. Together we can stem the tide of things happening, and 50% less people will be affected by anything in the next year”

“This is a quick message of support for anyone that has died of SARS in the past year. Like many of you, today I’ll be part of the MBS (or “Mars Bars for Sars”) campaign to change my profile picture to one of myself naked and covered in Mars Bars”

“Cancer. Anything to do with Cancer.”

It’s like 90s email spam but we’re all the fucking Nigerian prince and nobody wants any money. There’s a much bigger rant brewing for another time entitled “What the shit does raising awareness actually achieve”, particularly when we’re talking about celebrity diseases that everyone in the world has already heard of but almost nobody can do a fucking thing about”. 

 

 

Next week : What’s wrong with how you look in all your pictures.

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2011, we hardly blew ye.

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