Shit in a meringue

As most of you have probably figured out by now, there are quite a few things out there that bother me. This isn’t going to be a vague rant for once, i’m nailing it right down to specifics for a change. As most of you will ALSO know, I’m a hideous movie snob. Rom-coms, period drama, most generic shite, don’t bother. I don’t care. I usedto get very angry about awful films (as well as music and TV) until I realised that

a. If i’m not who they’re targeting, it’s going to seem shit

b. There are few things as much fun as taking the piss out of a bad movie in good company

Anyway, one thing continues to annoy more than all the good bits being in a trailer. More, even, than good actors looking stupid because their agent picked a bad role. More, even, than cheesy scripts. It’s a bad ending on a good movie (hence the above title). Anyway, back to the specific. For a couple of minutes, lets look at a b-list hollywood actor that most wouldn’t consider an action hero UNTIL THEY SEE HIS IMDB PAGE.

Liam Neeson.

Liam motherfucking Neeson. Lets have a look at his CV for a moment, shall we?

  • Qui-Gonn Jin (a goddamned JEDI)
  • Michael Collins
  • Hannibal from the A-Team
  • Ra’as Al Guul
  • Daddy from Fallout 3 (see? Even something for the gamers!)
  • Rob Roy
Clearly the man has a fairly good track record when it comes to kicking ass and taking names. Why does this need stating? The other night, after much encouragement from one of the housemates, I finally watched “Taken”. I’ll spare you the details but simply put his daughter gets abducted while interrailing and he kills, maims and throat-punches his way across Europe. Not convinced? Click here.
It’s a perfectly serviceable action movie that McBain himself wouldn’t turn his nose up at. Neeson is hardcore without being cheesy, the bad guys are convincingly nasty (Albanians! A new country makes the “foreign so they’re not to be trusted list! Well done, Team Hollywood! FUCK YEAH!), the deaths are verging on top-drawer. If you don’t want to know the ending, stop reading now.
Spoiler safe? Wonderful!
Ok, so after Raas Al Collins sticks his lightsaber up the last bad guy’s arse, the daughter and he set off for the good old US of A, safe and sound away from all those scary Europeans with their healthcare and history. Why am i so angry? The last scene. Mick has secured for his daughter a surprise afternoon with one of her musical idols, so domineering in stature that one can’t help but wonder if even a super-powered, plutonium-fuelled death distributor like Neeson would even have the connections to get in touch with her.
Skinny blonde from “Lost” : “Where are we going, Daddy?”
Darkman : “You’ll see”
They pull up in the driveway, knock on the door, and much to the daughter’s surprise there she is. The greatest pop artist of all time.
Yes, that's actually Holly Valance
Wait, what?
Holly Valance. That’s right, the woman you call when Britney’s not a big enough draw. For those of you who don’t remember, Holly Valance is FUCKING NOBODY. She had a brief hit single in 2002 with a song called “Kiss Kiss” or as most of us remember it “Is she actually naked in the video?”. Here’s the video. It’s a flesh coloured suit. Sorry boys. Since then, her career has included such dizzying highs as a cameo in “Pledge This” with Paris Hilton and an appearance in Command and Conquer 3 as Lieutenant Whogivesafuck Washedup, a loose cannon with authority issues that always plays by her own etc.
Why the rage? Well, for starters,”Taken” was released in 2008, six years after everyone stopped masturbating over Holly’s last hit video (just me? Ah well. Never mind). The writers had three options on how to make this work
1. Drop hints, say, have the daughter express some sort of fandom earlier in the movie
2. Have Holly play a fictional singer who’s more famous as opposed to herself, seeing as she’s probably just feeding a coke habit at this stage in her life
3. Use a bigger name
Guess which one they went for? That’s right, it was the super-secret fourth option!
4. Drop in an irrelevant cameo (that completely throws off what would otherwise have been a solid flick) to a faded j-lister, like you promised her you would when she had your dick in her mouth you rascally casting director you.
Honestly. If you’re in the mood for watching Ballymena’s greatest actor of all time (sorry, James Nesbitt) kill a decent section of the French underworld, do yourself a favour and turn it off before Holly shows up. Worst. Cameo. Ever.
Shit in a meringue

3 thoughts on “Shit in a meringue

  1. David says:

    huh? did you watch it from the start? Holly Valance *was* playing a fictional singer – she was the one Liam Neeson was doing bodyguard work for at the start of the film – he saves her from being knifed and she offers to give his daughter singing career help. This was just after the bit where he gives the daughter a karaoke machine thing for her birthday, because she really wants to be a singer.

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